BACKGROUND

Name: Halitosis Hank

(a.k.a. “The Breath That Killed the Crowd”)

OCCUPATION

Part-time motorcycle revving enthusiast, full-time breath-based public safety hazard.

HOMETOWN

A trailer two turns past the county dump and directly downwind from a bait shop.

Halitosis Hank was born during a county fair chili cook-off where his mother went into labor after eating 17 bowls of “Satan’s Armpit Chili.” Doctors say the fumes in the delivery room permanently altered Hank’s biology. From that day on, his breath became less of a smell and more of a regional weather event.

As a kid, Hank discovered two important things:

1. Motorcycles make loud noises.

2. His breath could make people faint faster than the motorcycle noise.

Naturally, he combined the two.

Now Hank travels from backyard races, demolition derbies, and suspiciously legal county festivals, grabbing a microphone and screaming announcements to the crowd. Unfortunately, the microphone mostly acts as a breath amplifier, turning every word into a toxic airburst.

Witnesses describe the experience like this:

“It smelled like a raccoon died inside a boot full of onions… then that boot got microwaved.”

Crowds don’t know whether to cheer or evacuate in a panic, which Hank interprets as overwhelming support.

SKILLS

• Breath Radius: 12 feet (18 feet if he’s eaten gas station egg salad)

• Motorcycle Starting Method: Yelling at it until it gets scared and starts

• Diet: Beef jerky, pickled eggs, burnt coffee, and something labeled “mystery jerky.”

• Dental Plan: “Brush once a year whether I need it or not.”

ACHIEVEMENTS

• Accidentally cleared a 400-person crowd in 9 seconds when he burped into a PA system.

• Won “Loudest Man in Three Counties” two years in a row.

• His breath once killed a mosquito mid-flight.

MOTTO

“If the engine don’t scare ‘em… my breath damn sure will.”